COPING WITH LOSS 

Coping with loss affects everyone in different ways.
This is an account of my grief.
This is Codies Dances With Wolves, 'Ted's Story'. 

We had decided that our bitch, Codie was due a litter- our first GSD litter we would have bred.  The mating was fine, the pregnancy was great and the the birth was lovely, 6 healthy lovely big boned puppies arrived on the 18th March,1995.  Mum took to her little family and we were so proud.  The pups grew and grew like pups do, but it became aware to us that we had done something wrong, the only mistake to be made, we had not been aware of the presence of dew claws.  It is something that we never even thought about, we had just been so pleased that everything had gone so well. 

Time passed and the pups were ready to go to new homes.  We kept a male for showing, his name was Ted, a lovely big pup full of mischief and very destructive, demolishing a fridge freezer, washing machine, 2 doors, 3 cupboards, numerous plastic items and saucepans.  It only happened when we went out, he was with his mum, his uncle and his grandad, but that did not occupy him.  He was doing very well in the show ring - 2 Best Puppies and 2 Res. Best of breeds placed at Best puppy in group. 

His destructiveness being a real problem, it was suggested that  an indoor kennel may help which we did and it was great coming home to everything being intact.  However, at the age of 17 months, nearly fully grown, he began to catch his dew claws on his cage and snag them quite badly.  This frightened me, what if he did it when I was out.  So we sought veterinary help who in turn, advised an operation to remove them. 

He was booked in on 27th August 1996, I remember it as if it were yesterday. Ted did not make it, the vet had removed one dew claw and was about to remove the other when he developed breathing problems and his heart stopped.  Try as they did, he did not come round, anaesthetic had claimed another victim.  I was devestated - I screamed at the vet down the phone, my family were in limbo, it wasn't happening to us, I felt like I was dreaming.  I rang people I knew who I thought would understand, but to me at the time, didn't.  We went to our dog training school to our friends who comforted us and contacted the vets to confirm what had happened. 

I didn't want to see Ted  at first as I couldn't face it, but I am glad I went as my last memory of Ted was of me tapping his bum because he had taken a dislike to the dog that had just come out of the vets' door.  I did not even tell him I loved him and I would see him later. 

We had some hair off his coat and I had him cremated, keeping his ashes at home in the garden taking them when we moved. 

It seems after this length of time, what a waste it was and how guilty I feel for firstly not taking the dew claws off and also for taking him to the vets.  If only I hadn't. 

Our sorrow continued for over 3 months, we couldn't enter shows, speak to people or even face our friends at training school.  It was only Ted's memory in the faces of my other dogs that forced us to shake ourselves down and get back into the swing of things.  And I am so glad I did. 

Ted's best friend, Saracen (he was only 2 years old at the time), has gone on and qualified for Crufts and gained his Stud book no. and we have bred on - we have Ted's half sister Ceyfah, who has also qualified Crufts and I know that in Doggy heaven, Ted's 100% behind them.  No puppy I have bred since has a dew claw, I have them removed, it's one thing I regularly check for. 

Ted will always be with us, losing him was the worst thing that's ever happened to us and at such a young age, only 17 months.  But it doesn't matter how old they are, losing a pet no matter what, is like losing a child or a family member. 

A grief that can not be explained or equalled.

PAULINE’S HEARTACHE 

       How can you tell anyone about the pain of losing your pet. 

After 17 years, my beloved Leagh became very ill and within a week, she had gone.  It happened so fast, that she was gone before we could come to terms with what the vet had told us. 

I can't tell you how I felt at first, just numb and cold with this lump in my chest.  I did not cry at first, I just sat and watched my 4 children cry and let their grief out.  But life must go on and I must be strong for them and comfort them. 

It came to me the day I came home from work and there were no welcome pair of barks - just one.  My other old dog came to greet me, but kept looking at the door as if she was waiting for Leagh to trot in behind me but she wasn’t there.   Bee looked at me as if to say  “where’s Leagh mum”?   I then just sat on the floor, with Bee on my knee and all the tears came.  I sat for about half an hour loving Bee, she seemed to understand and kept giving me a lick.  I felt alot better after the cry and got up to take Bee for a walk. 

I decided to put all Leagh's things away, her collar and lead, her toys and her bed. I still have her things and now and again, I take them out and think about all the great times and all the fun we had together.  I don't think you ever forget, but in time the heartache eases and now I often smile when I think about her. 

Her photograph holds pride of place in my home with the one of Bee who died at the age of 16, so now I have two friends to reminisce about. 

One thing that many people say when they lose a pet is that they don't want another one, but how many of you have said this and then find out that a home without a dog is a very lonely place.  My children had all left home by now and I did not like the empty house, no dogs to greet you when you opened the door. 

One day, my son came to visit and in his arms was a tiny bundle of black and tan fluff aged eight weeks.  I picked him up and he gave me a big kiss.  That was that, I was in love again.  Cody, as we called him was a Rottweiler and it was the start of another beautiful relationship.

  Please! Please get better. 

I hold you here, your eyes speak pain.  Oh God, help me! 

I know you love me; I know you keep going for me.  Oh, please, please keep going, please. 

We have never been apart for 15 years since Ted died.  My daughter said, "Here you are mum, this little fella will keep you going". A bundle of fluff - you gave me life and my overwhelming sadness slowly disappeared. 

I was on my own, but I was never lonely.  My grandchildren visited once a week.  When they went, the house was empty, but you were there, your head on my knee.  You understood.   My friend, my companion, my sanity. 

Come on old fella, we haven't got long before the daughter arrives.  Please get up, please don't leave me! 

The neighbours soon knew you were here! You guarded me all your life. Remember the burglar?  He ran for his life didn't he!  Remember all of our holidays?  I was never alone with you.  Oh God, what am I going to do? 

Remember on the sea front, when that evil man crept up behind me.  He didn't see you playing on the beach.  I will never forget that night, you turned, you saw, you growled low, you moved slowly, then down low practically crawling.  I looked at you and wondered what you had seen.  Then you moved so fast.  I looked round and my breath caught in my throat.  A dark figure was on my right hand side.  I couldn't shout.  He moved towards me so quickly and I froze.  I was empty and felt my life fall away. 

Then suddenly there was a blur - you were between us.  I put my hand out to protect you.  You bit his hand, he kicked you, you yelped, you turned and roared like a lion!  You bit his arm with all your strength.  He yelled, he ran and you chased.   

I collapsed and you came back and licked my face and wouldn't allow anyone to touch me.  The Police were so impressed!  YOU SAVED MY LIFE! 

Please don't die.  Please get better.  Please, come on, have something to eat.  It's your favourite.  Come on, you haven't eaten for a week.  Come on, have some milk then, oh come on, please try! 

Because of you, my family have not been worried about me.  They have been able to live their own lives because we were so busy 'Dog Training', Dog Shows and days out.  But I can hear them now saying "Don't let him suffer mum.  Do the right thing mum". 

I hear the car now.  Come on fella, get up.  Come on, go and greet them.  We won't have to take that terrible decision.  Come on, the vet will have to go home then.  Oh my friend, my lovely, lovely boy, I love you so much. 

I can hear my daughter with the vet now.  I will not let you see me cry, I know how much that upsets you.   

I will hold you and love you for the last time.  

You never met my Ted did you?  He was a good man and I know that he will be there to look after you. Until we meet again. 

Goodnight.  God Bless.